Calm down and feel

Sometimes I wonder if I care too much. I get 'noid when people don't answer my SMS's right away, or if the people I care for, and who I hope care for me too, don't seem to notice I'm gone. I don't want to be the one to always takes contact, but I'm afraid that people will take that as I'm not interested. But somehow I'm tired of being taken for granted, it's always me who get in touch, it's always me who asks them to call me. But at the same time, it feels like I'm going on a stereotypic track. It feels like I know how to react to things, but that I don't really feel like that. I know when to act upset, even if I'm not upset about the matter, even if I know I should be. I laugh when something funny happens, and I know I thought it funny before, but now I don't. Am I getting blasé?

'Noid and Blasé, not a good combination at all.

Sometimes, old thoughts are the best

My Thoughts about religion

I'm not bound to any religion. I'm not baptized, confirmated or a member of the swedish church. I'm very sceptic against all religions with only one god, it becomes a dictature and very egocentric. And, besides that, I think that all religions that ever been subject for a war are hideous. That's not how it should be, a god should be loving and not allow that there is war in his or her name. The god should be standing above all of that and not indulge in hate and that sifts away most of them. Then I think it's odd that the gods are more present in churches and temples than all around us. One thing that makes me sceptic is that all wonders that shows that gods exist happened such a long time ago. Today, noone will ever part the sea.

I do believe that the soul constantly wanders from body to body, not to ultimately end up in Nirvana or something alike, but to simply keep on going until there is no body to make home in. The soul wandering stops when everything else stop. I believe in the human's abilitiy to master it's own decisions and that those decisions leads to something. Not like faith, but something alike. That there is a meaning with everything and that if I make a certain choise, it will still lead to the same goal as if I hade chosen the other thing. Only thing that changes is the hardships to get there. One can decide what to do, but not where to end up. I also believe that what I do in this life, won't affect me in the next. If I choose to be unfriendly in this one doesn't mean I will be it in the next, it's all up to the soul to decide.

I respect all religions, I neither deny nor confirm their existence. I do feel that religion is something that's too private to discuss the existance of. There are too many variants to decide which is the right one. I think it should be free to pick one's own religion and there is no way one should be picked at for choosing one.
The god should come to one, one should not seek him.

Changes

Yesterday when I was driving home from Lobin n Robin it struck me. I'm changed. As I later spoke with Xali, I confessed I'm confused about him and Joakim. I'd love to get back with Joakim, I want what we had, but it will never be the same. The thing that happened has changed us too much probably. And at the same time, I want to explore my chances with Xali. But as he himself said, if I ditch him once, I can't go back. I'm stuck in the middle here.

It starts with pain...

So now I've come home from Copenhagen and the weekend I spent there with Xali. I must say, I've never been out walking so much in such crappy weather. But I shouldn't complain, it wasn't me who lost my baggage. *chuckle* Anyhow. The hotel was such a dream. Our room was blue and with a view over the inner yard, which also served as a dining room. Even the carpet was lovable, blue and white tiles :p Sadly, when we decided to go visit the zoo on Saturday, it was outright storming. But we defied death and went anyhow. Then we visited the Ripley's - Believe it or not museum. Odd, I say, very odd indeed. All weekend has been an orgie in walking and good food and spirits. But I have to agree with Catharina who once stated that spooning with another human should be considered a Human Right thingie. It makes such wonders. :D Spooning for the people!

But then, the big thing people ask me. Am I in Love? Tbh, I haven't got a clue. I'm just kinda confused of what I feel and to identify what that is. I just feel I have to set things straight about Joakim, get him out of my mind, before I can start figuring other things out^^ But one thing I know, and that is that I truly enjoy Xali's company.

Mindboggling

There's something genuinly fascinating about this drawing. It's pure evil intent and weakened soul. It's total suppression and undoubted trampled self esteem. It's unconditional love and disturbing faith. I just can't stop looking at it.

Where the hell am I going?

I'm confused. I don't know where my life is going. There's too much opposite feelings interfering with eachother. I don't know if I should be happy or not. I don't know if I should keep going on this road I'm on. I don't know if I should miss him or be happy he left. All I know is that I'm focused enough to start functioning as a person again.

I'm starting to get nervous about this weekend, but a good nervous. I'm really looking forward to just let everything go and just enjoy the moment. Eff Eff Ess, we're going to the Zoo :D


"I dreamt I was missing, and you were so scared.
But noone would listen, cos noone else cared."

"I mean nothing to you, the little things give you away."

Some things never change

Yesterday I spent with my darling Lobin, and after a few hours of playing wow and chatting we went for a smoke. After a few mins Lobin says to me. "Damn, Jonna, we were so close in compulsory school and had so many mutual interests. Then we lost contact for, what was it, five years? And now we're back on track again, and it's still the fucking same."
All I could do was smile and agree.. It surely feels like nothing ever changed, except for our looks.
I swear, he's the one I ought to marry and live happily ever after with. But, nah... We're too good friends for that.

Next weekend I'm going to Copenhagen with this dude.

Thankfully that is not how he looks for real. ^^